Sakshi's Wedding

Not many are unfortunate enough to go through this feeling of being in a moment when their soulmate is getting married to someone else.. and I’m glad for that since it’s not a very pleasant feeling to experience. That dreaded day rather night is finally here for me, when Sakshi is getting married to someone else and not me - 12th November 2010.  

It could so easily have been my marriage date.. just imagine, today could have been my marriage, with her.. and then happily ever after.. but alas that’s not the case.

Paulo Coelho had an interesting take on “Soulmates” in his book “Eleven Minutes”. He had stressed on the importance of being able to meet you soulmate in this lifetime, knowing that s/he is the one, and then convincing the other one about it, since they may not have figured it out as yet. I have failed in this regard. Something deep inside me tells me that she was the one for me.. and now that she is getting married to someone else, in all probablity I have lost her forever.. and I guess the fault is mine, since I couldn’t make her aware about us being one.

“Soulmates” are called so for a reason. When they go away a part of your soul dies inside. Today I’m experiencing that death within me.

While the world is celebrating her union with a “stranger” with much fanfare I am mourning the loss of myself, and probably hers too. I hope she never has to realize that the person she has married is not her soulmate. It will pain her.  Rather I hope that I’m wrong and he infact is the right guy for her, and can keep her much more happy than I ever could have.

But then could anyone have kept her more happy than me? Impossible. Not a thing that I can’t do for her. I could die for her. I could live for her. Stay hungry myself but feed her. Given her the blanket on the cold night. Made sure that a tear never falls from her eyes. The list could go on and on, but the cruel fact is that I’ll never get to do any of this, since she is going away, not just from my city, not just from my country, but from my life too.

Then again, was she ever in my life even for a moment? Yeah there are a handful of fleeting pleasant memories but to mistake them for something else would not be correct. Doesn’t that make me even more unfortunate? Those who lose their loved ones after having them in their lives for a considerable period of time, still have the memories to cling on. What do I have? Just a thought about what could have been. Does a thought count to anything else, except for sheer emptiness? Yes, it’s that emptiness which in engulfing me now, moment by moment, while she must be taking the 7 holy rounds across the pious fire, the pain increases bit by bit, needle by needle. Will I ever be able to escape this void?

I couldn’t sleep well last morning, kept dreaming about her and the impending marriage. Saw a nightmare day before yesterday about her getting hurt, (there were some glass knives going into her scalp as she screamed for help) which woke me, scared me. And today again kept getting dreams after dreams about her, one was a sweet little dream where her marriage gets cancelled and I propose her (hell yeah!), but then soon enough my eyes woke up to reality and the heart filled with sorrow again. In another dream I was crying my heart out loudly.. something which I haven’t managed to do in real life while being awake. If only I could keep sleeping, keep dreaming. She is near me when I’m dreaming. If only I didn’t have to go to sleep everyday to meet her.

More than 5 years ago I had started a blog, and the very first post was about her, about an actual dream that I had seen about us being together. I used to see her only on TV during those days. Had never imagined I’ll get to talk to her or meet her. I wish that blog post was still saved with me today. I don’t know why I deleted that blog and that post. Life takes a full circle as again my first post this time is about her. About a dream being shattered. She was perfect for me.

Whose fault is it? Mine really. Many a times I had seen this cliched situation in the films, and laughed it off, when the guy doesn’t express his feelings and the girl marries someone else. He misses the train, the time runs out for him. And now that it has happened with me, I realize it’s no so cliched after all. It can happen. It has happened. As it mocks me in the face.

It is said that set your love free, if it’s yours it will come back to you, if it doesn’t it probably wasn’t yours anyway. Somewhere deep in my heart, I have this hope that in future someday she will come back to me. However for that to happen, she’d have to undergo a fair amount of pain, which I really wouldn’t want her to go through. But how can I make the heart understand? It’s selfish. It longs for love. It longs for you Sakshi. I love you. Please marry me. Please come back. I know it’s probably too late to say these words, still it makes me feel lighter when I say this. As if this is the only truth that I’ve ever said.